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Writer's Block: Do you want to know a secret?
Which song by The Beatles is your favorite, and why?

Here comes the sun.

random, much.
do you know that coles is selling 2 Litres Pepsi for 2 dollars? Mmm.

(no subject)
bloody hell just watched 22 eps of code geass back to back. argh

steely self
I honestly hate reading, or thinking about those "motivational, get ur arse off the chair and live your life" kind of pages, pictures thrust into ur face telling u that "today's a gift, that's why it's the present", kind of b.s. Partly because if u do actually respond to such "motivations", it just confirms u as being highly unmotivated, which means u've wasted a whole chunk of ur life away anyways. Partly also, because of the truth that they often speak.
But most of all , i really really hate it because it affirms the fact that our generation of peoples are having a diminished capacity for the ability to appraise and appreciate value in things, in their own nature of free will and identity.

the saddest thing is that we're all inevitable victims of this effect.

goddammit im gonna wake up tomorrow, look at a chair and say to myself. "wow this chair is wonderful cuz it hasnt bitten me even though im a lazy slug that isn't doing his job right. meh".

don't get me wrong, life's awesome. it's only as awesome by all the wrongness and messes that there are in the world.

take Bruno for example.

(no subject)
so this is what it feels like.. for the first time in my life i'm not screwing up exam papers, trembling (which is ironic that winter is supposed to be a whole lot chillier) as i would back home, dismayed, disgruntled, but knowing that when i woke up the next day following a failure, i would just.. not give a damn anymore.

on one hand, what's there to be proud about. i'm an old bird, doing stuff kids of almost half a decade younger than i am, are doing. yet i can't help but feel... vindicated somewhat, that... i wasn't destined to be a failure, to forever disappoint, to never achieve.

i'm having one of those moments where u just kinda feel that life's such a race, and i'm just having a deep breath trying to take it all in. and looking it all, seeing the patterns that happen in my life, i kinda appreciate the stuff that i have, and the stuff that i don't.

what is it that interests me. observing and pondering why people do the things they do. the development of characters, the role people... actors rather... aren't we all...to slowly shape and form identity. which is why something like TV dramas are sometimes quite beautiful.

sometimes i daresay that i love blogging. even though i do it ever so rarely. i just... wordspam. bullshit and random words and letterings that make no sense. its cathartic.

i went for training today.
sad that nobody to practice against.
but fortunately anthony, monday coach for melb uni fencing was around.
hand an extended lesson and realize that i was utterly useless as an epee fencer in doing point hits.

but the joy of the sport.

to anyone, rather, in particular to kaiwen whom i really hope somehow reads this, as i've always looked upon him as someone who believes in the sport, and in himself, in some ways that i relate true to my own beliefs. Although i do admit that he does definitely have much more of a mind and heart for things than i do, thus will be someone i'll respect for life.

Fencing's such a solitary sport. You don the mask, and your only friend is your own arse and the weapon that you hold in your hand. Can't somewhat think of a better analogy than Soul Eater's Maester and Weapon. The understanding of the blade's particular bend, the point at which its heavier, lighter, and the way it speaks to u, telling u whether u're supposed to disengage or parry.

Yet the more you fence, the more u start seeing ghosts, phantoms of memories past, moves u made, mistakes u've made, points won, points lost. in between breaths ur thighs scream as u will them to lunge, faster, harder. you channel your instinct to survive, to kill, from your heart, to your mind, to your arms and to your fingers, to make the tiniest adjustments that could seperate "life" from "death".

At the end of the day, you look at the mirror, seeing the marks on your wrists, your chest, your shoulders.
You tell yourself this is where u've failed to protect yourself.
You would have died in a real battle.
All hypothetical of course.

The mask is my fantasy world. Its the escape, sadly, second to the computer monitor and all the moving pictures that it emits. well that's life.

Well. psych class today talks about sexual drive and motivation.

The progression from Human Need, to Desire and basically the Actions that one takes.
I have a need to survive this life. A desire to be a better person tomorrow than the person i am today. it'd be good to satiate this hunger.

blop blob blog..
I realize that i'm 21, struggling with an identity crisis. Always thinking that i've always been so flexible with anything and almost everything, i realize that i've drifted most of my life away. When i was younger, younger meaning the age of which most of my schoolmates are in now, i used to think that life was just surviving each day over another. Its pitiful.

Things i've ever invested in, since reaching that stage of searching for an identity.

I've tried religion. tried to pursue Christ, the church and it's teachings. I'm not saying that i'm renouncing faith or anything like that, just that looking back, its... sad to observe that my youth is so filled with delusions of grandeur. Its even more frightening, that ten years down the road, i may say the same thing again. One thing about the church's teachings about "letting God take the reins", was so utterly twisted in my mind that i just lost control of my own life. so foolish.

I've tried to love. Giving every fiber, every inch, reached into the deepest recesses of my being to fully, wholeheartedly,undoubtedly and freely accepting a person for who she was, what she was, for her entirety. I thought that i could find myself through love. Loving even the flaws, the cracks, the breaks. In retrospect, i now know how wrong that was as well. You can't love others if you don't love yourself. I imprinted my identity based on another's life. Giving total control, to command and decide, just wanting to gain acceptance and affirmation. Love.... if that's what it's called, has at least brought out the worst and best parts of myself. At the cost of permanently leaving a crater in the center of my heart.

I've tried to be the best i could be in something i put myself into. fencing, for example. i loved it. the adrenalin, the primordial drive to simply suvive on the piste can't be matched anywhere else in life. however, starting too old, handling too many priorities, led me to never really excelling at the sport.

too many things, so many things.

i'm all touch and go, noncommittal, living in some other world, yet so deeply entrenched in this one. i wish....

oh i so wish,
that the emotions within me would just calm down for once.

purpose of life
one of which.... would be a struggle between battling against ignorance, and practicing feigned ignorance through escapism and desensitization. sigh.

for the first time in my life i'm able to watch , feel and almost taste the unfurling of the hand of justice upon the immoral and unlawful. there is righteousness in the world after all.

(no subject)
a gunner dream

I always wanted to be
a jedi knight using the Force to kill baddies.


why not?